I haven’t wrote about living with a mental health condition on here for a whilst. Mainly because I try to keep it positive or I’m too scared to post blogs I’ve wrote.
I know family and friends read this and I don’t always want to worry them especially if there far away, have little people to look after or down the road. I feel like I am potentially scaring people away, future employers, partners, friends… well anyone? I’m having to come to deal with that it’s apart of me of and who I am and not going to go away tomorrow.
I’ve never said this but I suffer with a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. Typing the words makes me feel sick to my stomach. When I was diagnosed I thought I have a personality issue? Am I not normal? Once explained I found out, people with BPD have intense emotions which they struggle to deal with, an unstable sense of self and unstable relationships with other people. More people suffer with BPD then schizophrenia or Bipolar. I’m definitely not alone, as I have met people with the same condition or watched them on YouTube like Claudia Boelyn.
Anxiety is a main issue and my anxiety may only last hours to days but leads me to physically run away, have a panic attack or cause me to be paranoid. When I am not feeling anxious, angry, depressed or hyperactive. I may feel numb and emotionless. This emptiness is so intense that I may even question if I exist or if I want to be alive. The sad part is that 10% of people who suffer commit suicide and a majority of us will self-harm. Yes even me too as it gives senses of control in a place where you don’t have any.
Living like this for so long, I can now fake being okay or I cope by going into a little bubble or focus my attention on one thing. I know that pushing down my feelings so hard even I don’t realise they exist until I explode.
So this is the other side of me. I’m beating the 10% by staying alive an controlling my self harming. I’m taking my medication. I’m holding down a job (another one I am beating against the odds). I’m learning to ask for help when I need it or don’t. Trying to keep hold of the friends and family I have. Be an auntie, a blogger and even a guider.
I hope you understand and don’t worry I’m fine. I needed to share this blog before I go on and write others as the beginning is always a good place to start. It just took me a few more blog posts.
Ps: happy 500th blog!